I love you Carlisle and friends
by i-love-sparkly-vampires
Summary: This story is different, and hard to describe so I guess I'll just say that in this story, The Cullens and Jacob Black find themselves in a variety of situations with random consequences ... and with that, will keep you guessing
1. I love you Carlisle

I love you Carlisle

Carlisle's P.O.V.

I was just about to leave the house for work when Emmett stood in my way.

"What do you want Emmett, I'm running late."

"Well I don't know how to say this, but err..."

"Please hurry up Emmett I need to go to work."

"I'm just going to say it" he sighed "I love you, REALLY love you, Rose was just a cover up, I have always loved you"

I waited for him to laugh, but he didn't. Well, I need to leave so ...

"Emmett, I love you too, now let me go to work." He smiled a really disturbing smile as I left, this was a bad idea, I could tell.

* * *

The day had gone by quickly, after school Emmett had visited the hospital with some flowers, which I politley declined, After work I had gone home and went straight up to my office, avoiding any possible eye contact or conversations with Emmett.

I had been doing some paperwork when I heard footsteps followed by 3 surprised gasps coming from the first floor, I put the paperwork away, left my office, locked the door, and went to stand by esme downstairs, all in one second.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Rosalie exclaimed when she entered the room shortly after me, referring to the 2 round lumps on Emmett's chest and the dress he was wearing

"Oh, I'm just using coconuts and wearing your clothes, because me and Carlisle are together now."

Esme looked at me confused, I just simply shrugged my shoulders as a response.

"Oh! Hey Carlisle, how you doin?" Emmett said winking at me.

I laughed awkwardly and left the room.

"Carli, wait for me, I understand if you want some privacy, so do I"

This was driving me crazy the 'relationship' would have to end. I could sense the others listening carefully, probably intrigued by the bizarre situation and curious, as to what I am going to say.

"Carli, you didn't wait for me" he said lowering his bottom lip like a young infant.

"Listen Emmet..."

"What is it Carli?"

"Firstly, stop calling me Carli and secondly, I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!"

"Carli you don't mean it, you're not thinking straight"

"That's the thing though Emmett, I am straight and I love Esme, I don't disagree with your life choice but please leave. Me. alone"

"You know what, you're so rude, it's over between us, it would never have worked anyway. Don't take it personally"

I was at first confused by this sudden outburst, but then realised it was exactly what I wanted to hear.

"Right ... good-bye Emmett."

"Oh wait ... one more thing"

"Yes?"

"Is Jasper still with Alice?"

I sighed and left the room

Alice beat Emmett up ... again.

* * *

Sorry I know this is quite a short chapter

The characters are sadly, the work of the smazing Stephenie Meyer and all we own is this storyline out strange imaginations came up with.


	2. Shopping with Alice and Jasper

Shopping with Alice and Jasper

**BEEP = Vampire**

Viewers P.O.V.

It was 4.59! I was about to miss my favourite TV show. I quickly ran into my house and switched the old TV on. The screen was fuzzy,but I had adjusted to it now, and could see fine. I was glad to realise I had just made it. I sang along to the theme tune I knew off by heart.

OOH! Series 2 Episode 14, 'Glitz and Glam' I've never seen this one before, I fell silent as Alice started to talk.

"Hello and welcome to shopping with Alice and Jasper!"

I quickly grabbed my favourite souvenir A&J notebook and pen to take notes. I had the pages numbered by year, series and episode. I quickly turned to he page reserved for series 2 episode 14 and doodled a small glittery dress in the corner, to match the episode title.

"First, it's time for ... Help! I don't know what to wear." Jasper cleared his throat. "First up is Stacey from Manhattan, Stacey is going to a party in a few days, it's a huge evnt and she wants to look her best, what should she wear?"

Alice held up a sparkly silver dress covered in sequins. It was knee length with a basic black belt and a small thigh split on the right side, a took a quick sketch and out of habit wrote a rating out of 10 and the word 'price' followed by a colon.

Alice said, "Here you go Stacey, this fabulous dress is being delivered to you, if anybody else wants it, it's available from for only $1,350 from ! What a bargain! For a 10% discount go to the website shown at the bottom of the screen and type in 4-8-2-1-1-8-0 if you missed that, the code is available on our website as well as all information, advice and product images from this show." I noted down the price, not surprised by how expensive this was, as that was actually quite a low price for Alice. I decided that people probably just write in to get free expensive stuf, although I think they have to return it, I'm not sure, I'll have to research it later.

"Next is Carlisle, from Forks, who's going to 'the doctor awards' tonight and he has been nominated for 8 awards!" They both clapped. "Congratulations Carlisle." Alice held up a grey suit, nothing fancy. "Get this fancy vintage-style suit from H&M for $10, it's in your wardrobe dad!" she smiled. It was plain except for a golden seam on the jacket I did a quick sketch, rated it a 2 but did not bother writing down the price as the suit was nothing special.

"Finally, Jessica, also from Forks, has been invited to a 'pool party' by her friend and would like the perfect swimsuit "Alice held up a emerald green swimsuit with silver sequined detail accross the front, it was a very detailed pattern and looked as if the sequins were hand-sewn on, although obviously it had been made by a series of machines. I did a sketch and rating. "This one-sleeved number will cost a mere $992 from MarcJacobs swimwear range.

Jasper forced a smile '...and that's all for that segment, if you would like fashion advice from Alice simply call or email with your fashion problems.'

Jasper and Alice did their little dance, Alice smiling showing her pearly white teeth, and Jasper cringing, scrunching his face up. His nose was quite cute when it was wrinckled up.

"Next is, Alice gives a makeover" A screaming girl was pulled into view "You'll never take me alive!" she screamed, "NEVER!" she was kicking and flailing her arms around. Her movements having no effect on the muscular man, I recognised as Emmett- Alice's bodyguard- who was dragging her along.

"Oh really, Bella?" Alice challenged. "Jasper, you're not helping!" She hissed.

The girl suddenly had a mood swing, she sat down on the chair and Alice gave us a step-by-step description of her transformation. Her hideous messy brown was done up into a marvelous bun with chopsticks, not a single hair out of place, and she had make-up smeared all over her face. The only jewellry she wore was a rather pricey looking necklace described by Alice as 'gold woven into a thick rope of a chain' it had 'One jewel...a white diamond the size of a golf ball.' *

Spectacular, might I say. I drew a sketch of the necklace, and her hairstyle, I didn't need to but I wanted a reminder of this breathtakingly beautiful girl after he transformation,

"Now it's time for Agony Alice and letter of the week!"

Jasper picked up a small piece of paper. "Here's today's Agony Alice, Bob from Phoenix would like to know what colour would be best with his black and white suit, so Alice what do you think?"

"Well Jasper, there are a variety of ways you could approach it, go with a more traditional black tie, or instead of wearing a tie just undo the top 1 or 2 buttons. It really depends on the event. I would recommend being different and individual, wear an orange tie, or any other bright tie, to add some colour."

"Very wise, now it's time for letter of the week. Today's letter of the week is from Julie...

'_You have no fashion sense and should stop broadcasting this poop, I don't know who you think you are but if you were that fashionable you would have your own fashion range, or work for a fashion magazine or something. I'd be surprised if more than 1 person watches your show each week!' _

Alice raised her eyebrows (like I do. We have so much in common).

"You know what Julie? You're a little piece of wasted space and I'm a **[BEEP] **and another thing, **[BEEP]'**s are so much cooler than little nasty bullies like you! Firstly, I probably have more fashion sense than you, trust me I've had many more years of expierience!"

I pondered over this point as Alice only looked about... 17/18?

"Secondly, do you want me to send you some "poop" she said doing some air quotes, I could mail you some excrement right now so you can see what "poop" is! on second thoughts just look in the mirror!" I saw Jasper hold back a laugh "Thirdly I am currently designing my own fashion range to realease next year, but you just ruined the surprise! _and_ I have a column in 'STYLE ICON' magazine every week" My eyes lit up at the thought of a fahion range designed by Alice!

"Finally," she paused for a moment and suddenly started smiling. Then she suddenly snapped again"JASPER STOP IT!" her look made Jasper stop whatever it was he was doing and he left the screen. "Finally," Alice said much calmer "they don't just put any show on channel one you know! you have to have at least and average of 1.5million viewers so there, and obviously to write in you would of had to watch the show because that's the only place you can find the address. SO SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW YOU STUPID-" there was a lot of beeping, obviously covering up Alice's bad language. I'd never seen her his angry before. Whilst she ranted I drew a quick sketch of me & Alice killing a stickman (or women really) labelled Julie.

Alice finished her shouting and took a deep breath "I'll be back after the break."

STUPID BREAKS! I washed the commercials not really taking in the words and images on the screen. I was half excited and happy by the release of Alice's clothing range. I hope she does menswear. If she doesn't I could just wear women's clothes. If it's designed by Alice Cullen (my idol) I would happily wear it. However te excitment was reduced greatly by how annoyed i was with Julie's letter. The nerve.

Alice came back onto the screen. "Now it's time for topless male of the week! This weeks winner is ... JASPER!" she said lifting his plain white v-neck shirt. I sighed, as always Jasper was topless male of the week, not that I didn't love his magnificent God-like topless-ness. Jasper quickly hid his beautiful torso "The quote of the day is, _'You'll never take me alive' _as said by Bella."

"Thank-you for watching. This programme was brought to you by J. Jenks. If you want to be in next week's show call the number at the bottom of the screen or send a letter to our address, also on the screen now, or you can e-mail or text us, extra contact details on the website.

What a great episode. Just then Alice and Jasper exchanged saliva. NOOOOOOO! That should be me with Jasper! or Alice, I didn't really mind. My life sucks. I grabbed the phone and called the show to complain. YES! After many failed attempts, I have got through to my favourite TV show. "Hel-"

"Dinner!" I heard my dad call from the kitchen. DARN! I flicked the telly off and hung up. Jasper should be mine; then again he would never date me. Alice should be mine! "JACOB BLACK! hurry up" I sighed "coming."was my feeble attempt at a reply.

I should be topless male of the week; my eight pack is so much better than Jasper's ... POT BELLY! _You__ don't really think that..._ I left the room, outraged, this isn't fair why is my life so horrible!

OOH! Pizza night!

* * *

*Breaking Dawn, page 532.


	3. Eggward

Eggward

"Hello, love. How was your day?" I asked Bella as she got back from school. I'd been hunting today and left her at school with _Emmett. _Not the best idea.

"_Bella! Why are you hanging from the ceiling?" _

"_Emmet likes chandeliers."_

"_Bella! How did you get food poisoning?" _

"_Emmett baked a pie."_

"_Bella! How come you're drunk?"_

"_Emzy mades me a yummy scrummy ice lolly!"_

"_Bella! How come you're missing half the hair from the top of your head?"_

"_Emmett likes to play with chemicals."_

She burst out crying. "Edward's dead!" She screamed.

"What?" I asked confused. "I'm right here."

"Not you! Eggward!" She sobbed into her hands.

"Who's Eggward?"

"My pet egg!"

What had Emmett done to make Bella this crazy that she had a pet egg. A pet rock was one thing. But now _this_?

_I sat down next to Bella on the sofa at her house._

"_No!" She screeched, jumping up and backing away from me in fear. Had she only just realised I'm a vampire?_

"_I'm not going to hurt you Bella." She didn't seem to trust me. "Or anyone else." I added._

"_Tell that to Patrick! Oh wait! You just crushed him!"_

"_Patrick?"_

"_My pet rock!" I looked at the sofa to see the little grey shards that occupied my seat. Oops. _

That was the first time I noticed something was wrong with Bella after I left her with Emmett. She changed, like he'd drugged her or something… He wouldn't! The door flew off it's hinges to the ground. The stood Emmett, dry crying.

"Eggward!" He cried, falling on top off the door dramatically.

"You knew about this too?"

"He was _our _science project, of course I being part of _our _knew!"

"So, tell me, Emmett, what happened?"

"Well…

_Mr. Banner stood in front of the class, at least 3 boxes of eggs on his desk. _

"_Okay! Class!" He called, his eyes scanning the class. He got to me and his head went back a little and his eyebrows furrowed, like humans do when their confused. "Mr. Cullen, you're not in this class." He pointed out confused._

"_Just transferred, Sir. Eddie's not in here anymore." Bella looked at me her eyes sad. "Relax, he'll be back, I'm not going to stay in this boring class for long, I've got Miss. Owen! She's hilarious!" She sighed, relieved, no one wanted to send all their time with me any more, not Carli, Jazzy or even Rosie! Sigh. _

"_Oh, Ok." Mr. Banner went back to the lesson. "In pairs," he announced, Bella looked at me and we exchanged an evil grin. _

"_Operation Sticky Boy a go?" I whispered._

"_Hell yeah!" We exchanged our secret handshake._"

"You have a secret handshake?" Edward whined. Aw little Eddie-boy felt left out!

"Yes, now don't interrupt! As I was saying…

_We looked over at Mike, nodding, our evil smiles widening. _

"_You'll each have one egg." Bella sighed, thinking Operation Sticky Boy was over._

"_Don't worry, I'll sneak some. Vampire speed comes in handy a lot!"_

"_You're going to drop the egg out the window. Here's the catch, the egg mustn't break. You can build any contraption to get you're egg safely to the ground, begin!" I quickly ran to the front desk, pilling the eggs into my shirt at inhuman speed. Bella's thumb was up meaning she couldn't see me. Good. I rushed back, putting each egg carefully into my bag, giving a few to Bella. _

"_Ok, so you, at inhuman speed, whiz round to Mike's other side, pelt him with eggs, sit down. Nobody suspects a thing, Operation Sticky Boy done!" I nodded. "Go, then!" She pushed me. It felt like someone was tickling me with a feather. _

_Pelting people with eggs is fun. Especially when it's Mike. His expression was priceless, and he was all egg-y. Good times, good times."_

"Hurry up, Emmett! I don't have forever." He opened his mouth to correct me. "Ok, I do. But Bella doesn't." She glared at me.

"Ok…

_Well, I and Bella didn't really get much done. We'd made a parachute and wrapped the egg in bubble wrap. Not too great. Bella was holding this egg in her arms, cradling it like a baby._

"_Whatcha got, Bells?" _

"_Eggward."_

"_Aw! Coochy coochy coo!" I said tickling the eggs 'chin' gently. "OMG!"_

"_You say 'OMG'? I glared._

"_Any way, Mike's stuck to his chair!" _

"_No way!" She shouted, turning round, putting Eggward on the table._

"_Yes way!" Tyler Crowley said, jumping to sit on the table. To sit on the table! On top of Eggward!_

"_No!" Me and Bella screamed in unison. Too late. There was a sickening _splech _sound as Eggward was brutally murdered under Tyler's butt cheeks. Bella began to cry into my chest, shouting 'Why? He was such a goo egg! Why?' a lot. I sort of cried as well._

So there it is. How Eggward died." He concluded, bringing a hand up to wipe the inexistent tears.

"That's pathetic!" I shouted. I was confronted by 2 – Alice had come over half way through the story – furious vampires, and 1 distraught human. The vampire's stalked towards me.

Does anyone know how to reattach arms?


	4. Drayton Manor

Twilight saga still not owned by me :/

* * *

Drayton Manor

**For those of you who don't know, Drayton Manor is a theme park in England. It's not the biggest (or the best) but I've been there the most.**

**Bella's P.O.V.**

It had been quite a short flight to England, we were here for the weekend, just to look around have fun. Friday afteernoon when we arrived (we didn't go to school that day) we went on an opentop bus tour of London, Tomorrow we're going to the beach, but today we're going to some theme park called Drayton Manor. I was pleased the Cullen's had invited me, and surprised that both Charlie _and _Renée had said yes, but mainly I was concered that Emmett would break the rides.

We used our pre-paid tickets to get into the park.

"Hmmmm, Where to go?" I said scanning the map. Just then, Emmett stole it from me!

Typical, Typical, Emmett.

Emmett had an idea; I could tell by his smile, we were all doomed.

"THE ZOO!" he screamed. I slapped my forehead, but (for some strange reason) we all followed him.

We walked into the zoo.

"ICE-CREAM!" Screamed Emmett excitedly

"Erm Emmett?"

"Yea?"

"Vampires don't eat ice-cream, or any other human food for that matter."

"Oh right ... MONKEYS"

I have decided that Emmett has the attention span of a two year old.

We all walked over to the Monkeys.

"Hello Monkeys" Emmett said throwing a stone at one.

The monkey turned around to show a rather evil face. He picked up the stone and threw it at Emmett.

"STONE FIGHT!" Emmett and the monkeys broke out into a stone fight. They suddenly stopped. Emmett turned around to show a face full of monkey poop.

We all burst out laughing, just then the security guard came and gave us a warning.

We moved on to the tiger.

"RAWRR"

The lion lay sleeping

"RAWRR" Emmett repeated

The lion stood up, but did nothing.

"RAWRR" Emmett shouted, louder this time.

The lion roared back, this was clearly the response Emmett wanted.

Everybody gathered around the tiger pen. Great, the last thing I wanted was attention.

The lion jumped up the cage at Emmett.

Emmett was about to jump into the cage when the security guard reappeared and we all ran.

We ran and hid in a castle by a river.

"NEXT." The Man in control shouted.

We all got onto the little boat.

"WEEEEEEEEE" Emmett screamed, the ride hadn't even started yet.

"Emmett, I'm glad you're having fun but please keep your emotions inside" Rosalie said sweetly.

I was looking at the scenery; it was a good ride for little kids but could be better. Just then I heard a splash. I turned around to see Emmett wrestling with a mechanical dragon.

Typical, typical Emmett.

Edward dragged Emmett back onto the boat.

I felt an intense heat and turned around to see fire in the 'dragons cave'

"Ooh, pretty." Emmett said leaning towards the flame.

"NOOOOOOO!"

Emmett leaped towards the flame but just missed, thankfully landing in the water. He quickly got back onto the boat and managed to avoid trouble for the rest of the ride.

Next was Pirate Adventure. I'd always loved pirates and reading about them so this should be fun.

We all got on the boat.

"Ooh look a parrot"

"Emmett." I scolded

"What?" he asked innocently

I sighed, "You're supposed to say, Respect the captain or ye be clapped in irons! Tis a Parrot!"

"OH!"

"Or you could say, Arg Tis a Parrot Cap'n"

"OMJ! That eye patch so doesn't match his feathers!" Alice gasped, her hands flying to her facein shock. Trust Alice to worry about a _parrot's _dressing habits.

"OMJ?"

"Oh My Jasper!"

"Right..."

The ride started.

We went around the dark cave talking like pirates which most people didn't understand.

"Ahoy, matey. That man is hangin' upside down"

"Whoever dressed these lubbers needs t' learn about fashion."

"Look, Tis a skeleton covered in Cobwebs"

"Glow in the dark cobwebs me mateys"

"WEEEE! A hill"

"AAH! A pirate! Gimme' a clap o' thunder, matey!"

Pirates were firing cannons at us and we were firing back.

The ride finally ended and we all got off the boat.

Next we went on the sombreros.

Which were really boring. Except for when this woman puked on Emmett ... that was hilarious.

After that, we went on apocalypse, we lined up for ages it was our turn to get on, my stomach flipped as I saw the seat drop.

"What's wrong?"

"I feel sick."

"BELLAS A WIMP!"

"AM NOT"

"ARE TOO"

"AM NOT"

"ARE TOO"

"Would you two please just shut up?"

Silence. Except for a few screams.

"Let's go and sit on the bench Bella"

"OK"

Everybody came to us then. Geez, that was quick. What was it, 14 seconds?

"THAT WAS TOTALLY AWSOME!"

"Ok Emmett, it was great."

"Pshh, says the wimp!"

"I AM NOT A WIMP!"

"ARE"

"NOT"

"ARE"

"NOT"

"ARE"

"NOT"

"SHUT UP!"

Silence. Again. Except for a few screams. Again.

The Haunting.

We waited ages until we were finally let into a small building.

The lights went off and a T.V. screen came on explaining our mission

Emmett and I looked at each other smiling; we both began singing the James Bond theme whilst walking around sneakily.

The first room was a long corridor, the man told us to look up.

A skeleton flew above our heads.

"BANG! BANG!"

YESSSS! We were really good at killing ghosts and things, wait a minute...

"How can you kill something that's already dead?"

"That's simple, you can't"

"OK!"

Next we went in this random place, a picture on the wall started to talk to us, then the walls looked like they were moving in but I couldn't decide whether it was an illusion or not.

For a haunted house this place really wasn't scary.

I heard a scream then somebody comforting... Jacob?

"It's OK Jacob; those things on the ceiling aren't real..."

I looked up to see skeletons on the ceiling, man I'm glad I'm chose Edward.

Next we went into a church like place. Then the walls started spinning. BORING!

"OOOOHHH! Drunken Barrels that spin, that looks fun"

"OOOOHHH! Spinny things! Let's go on them"

"Emmett you're such an idiot you know that?"

"HHMM?" Emmett said scratching his head.

"What is it now?"

"Miss told me to learn the alphabet for English but I'm stuck on D."

"Let's hear you so far, and then we'll help."

"OK ..."

"A-B-C-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-D..."

...

"What?"

"You really are an idiot."

It was our turn to get on the Drunken Barrels now

We got on and the ride started

"How come everybody else is spinning really fast and we're going slow?"

"You've got a good point for once Emmett."

I looked around at everyone else

"OME!"

"What?"

"We're supposed to spin this thing in the middle to go fast"

"We all worked that out ages ago! I said 'what?' as in OME?"

"Oh My Edward"

"You girls truly are weird; the best thing to say is OMC!"

"OMC?"

"Oh My Carlisle!"

"We have to go soon what should we go on?"

"STORM FORCE 10!"

"OK"

We walked up all the stairs then took our place in the queue

There wasn't enough room on the boat for all of us so Esme and Carlisle waited at the bottom.

We got on and went down the big hill then we had a nice little float around the track.

Then we went down backwards

After that we went on the final BIGGEST slide

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

We all posed for the photo, except for Emmett who got bored and started to pick his nose.

Best fiver I ever spent :)

* * *

**Anything in brackets () is writen by SuperrHyperWhilstCrazzed []=i-love-sparkly-vampires**

**The boat ride = Excalibur a dragons tale = a really boring ride were you sale around a river listening to a dragons story, (and my friend, Luy, got burnt by the dragons fire!) [LMAO]**

**Pirate Adventure = another really boring ride were you float around on a boat that usually makes little kids cry, (although I am scared of it. Theres a big (mediocore) unexpected (totaly expected) drop) [thats confusing :S]**

**Sombreros = big sombreros that go up and down and spin [slowly] (Hey! brackets are my thing! I like 'um)**

**Apocalypse = One of those rides where you sit down on a chair and it lifts you really high then drops you. (It takes exactly 14 seconds, I counted :] ) [nerd]**

**The haunting = a really un-scary haunted house (I was scared) [wimp!]**

**Drunken Barrels = these things you sit in and you have to spin them around (I can't spin the thing in the middle) [LOL!]**

**Storm force 10 = The best ride in Drayton Manor = Log Flume (My definition: Totally awesome log flume in lifeboat raft things. Goes really fast. Love it!) [same]**

**(Go to the website www. draytonmanor. com (or , im not sure) for more info.)**


	5. The Magical Elf

**For the few who care I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been really busy...**

**I suppose a short chapter isn't the best way to make up for it but... yea**

**The magical elf is copyrighted see...**

**The Magical Elf©**

**I sadly don't own twilight or the characters :( **

**On with the story**

* * *

The Magical Elf©

I was walking down the corridor to my next class when I realised somebody was missing...

BELLA!

Where had Bella gone?

Suddenly a strange small creature appeared in front of me. I stopped.

"Hello Edward."

"WHO THE HECK ARE YOU! AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!"

I noticed people were staring at me, DARN IT! This strange creature was a figment of my imagination.

"I'm the magical elf of the magical forest silly," he slapped his forehead, "and i know everything about everyone!"

"Okay _Einstein_, when's my Birthday?"

"I know this one... erm... err... 14th March 1994?"

"HA! You know nothing"

"Fine... I just know everybody"

"Okay Einstein_, _who's th-

"Just be quite."

"FINE... why are you here anyway?"

"To remind you that you lost Bella."

"Oh yeah, Thank you."

He mumbled something along the lines of...

'_and they said my job was pointless!'_

"Oh, and to remind you that you also lost Alice."

"Ok, thank you bye"

* * *

BELLAS POV

I was walking towards the door when I saw them...

They were some boys that Alice liked waving to for some reason.

I put my arm round Alice

"Just keep walking ali-"

I stared at the girl that looked nothing like Alice, but she had the same hairstyle...

"YOU'RE NOT ALICE!"

How embarrassing the girl gave me a strange look and walked off.

* * *

**I hope you liked this chapter**

**!REVIEW!**

**This chapter was about a lunch time at my school where me and my friends were hyper and found this situation hilarious. **


	6. Emmett Finds a Bogey

**As I said before, I haven't updated in ages**

**So here is another chapter to make it up to the few of you who care**

**I don't own twilight ... yet**

* * *

Emmett finds a Bogey

I walked into the Cullen house and Emmett was looking in the mirror ... picking his nose?

"Emmett, what _are _you doing?

"I have a bogey."

"Err... Emmett?"

"Yea?"

"Vampires don't have bogeys."

"Don't they? OH..."

~silence~

"HA! I've finally got you!"

I slapped my forehead.

He turned around and looked at me "What?"

"VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE BOGEYS!"

"Well what is it then?"

"I don't know, something that went into your nose?"

"I know what it is now..."

"What is it?" I stupidly asked

"Last week's salad"

What?

"Emmett..."

"yea?"

"VAMPIRES DON'T EAT!"

"It must be last weeks ... milkshake!"

"VAMPIRES DONT DRIN-"

"HA!" He interrupted me, "Vampires drink _BLOOD!_

"Fine ... but you said milkshake!"

"What could it be?"

He was scratching his forehead, man he looked funny.

"Emmett, let's just say its erm... let's just say this never happened."

A huge grin spread across Emmett's face

"What is it Emmett?"

"It's an UGSFIN!"

"An ugsfin?"

"No... a U-G-S-F-I-N!"

"And what exactly is a U-G-S-F-I-N!"

"Unidentified

Gloopy

Substance

Found

In

Nostril"

"I bet you just made that up"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"QUIET" I heard Rosalie shout.

"Hey Rosie" Emmett said

"Why are you arguing?"

"Well... BELLA STARTED IT" He said pointing towards me.

I looked away hiding my laughter, he is so childish.

"Bella, Emmett, I don't care who started it, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Long story short, Emmett found a _bogey_ and we didn't know what it was an Emmett said it was a U-G-S-F-I-N, and I said he made it up."I quickly explained

Rosalie burst out laughing.

"What's so funny" Emmett asked confused

"You ... inve ... invented ... a... a... wo ... wor .. Word!" Rosalie said between laughing

She walked of laughing

I looked at Emmett, who checked his watch

"Hey, it's time for the mutts TV show, let's watch"

We all sat down on the sofa to watch Jacob embarrass himself.

* * *

**I don't actually know how you spell bogey so yea...**

**I hope you liked this chapter**

**!REVIEW!**

**The next chapter is the TV show**


	7. Bada Bing Bada Boom

**Hopefully this chapter will make it up to you, I probably won't update again until half term :)**

**I still don't own anything but am coming up with a plan to rule the world ~evil smile~**

**!YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!**

* * *

Bada Bing Bada Boom I 

We switched to channel 695, a channel that only a handful of people know about, there aren't 695 channels but it's called 695 because...

**6=N=Not**

**9=W=Well**

**5=K=Known**

Jacob appeared on the screen

"Welcome to 'Bada bing bada boom ... the Comedy styling's of Jacob', I'm afraid I only have so many shows left since the channel is only getting 5 views per day ... so, you know what happens now, I just tell you about what's been happening in my favourite story about me!"

~he cleared his throat~

"Well..."

'_Jacob, are you broadcasting yourself ag-'_

"I'll be right back"

The screen went black

"Welcome back Folks! I have recently started reading a new story which isn't really about me but I'm mentioned"

~his eyes started darting around the room, and he acted nervous~

"And it lied by saying I watch Shopping with Alice and Jasper, which is like the BEST show ever ... not that I watch it..."

He cleared his throat ... wow this was boring

" Anyway the story..."

"I'm reading 'I love you Carlisle and friends' the first chapter is called 'I love you Carlisle' basically, Emmett confesses his feelings to Carlisle and then Carlisle goes along with it and there's a coconut and a coconuts are my favourite fruit."

'_Jaco-'_

"Dad, please i'm in the middle of my show!"

'_Ha! So you admit it you're broadca-'_

"One minute"

A lot of shouting could be heard then Jacob returned

"Thanks to my _oh so wonderful_ father I don't have long left so moving swiftly onwards, chapter 2 is a NOTE telling you about an elf and a friend and reviews ... chapter 3 is Shopping with Alice and Jasper which is a story of _ME _for some strange unknown reason I'm watching the programme..."

~Jacob went all nervous again~

"Anyway I'm watching Shopping with Alice and Jasper which is on channel 1 every Monday and Thursday at 5pm ... not that i know that because I watch it ... I got ... told."

~shifty eyes~

"Chapter 4 is Eggward, it's basically about this pet egg that Emmett and Bella named in science which is apparently a true story..."

Emmett and I looked at each other

"EGGWARD!" I sobbed

"And the authors – that's right it's co-written – owned a pet egg called Eggward."

"Chapter 5 is about the Cullen's going to some boring theme park in England and loads of thing's happening. Chapter 6 is called the magical elf which is a true story about the authors and well it's just really random ... and the magical elf is copyrighted. Chapter 7 is a chapter about Emmett finding a bogey but the wonderful author used her imagination to make the story better, you'll never guess what she did, the Cullen's were, vampires!"

He burst out laughing.

"OH! I have an e-mail better check it because we still have time and I'm finished."

Jacob did some typing and clicking

"It turns out that the story I'm reading has a new chapter! Guess what! It's a chapter involving the whole show so far and i presume what I'm going to do next"

"Hey that's not fair why did the author write that?"

~he sighed~

"well, guess you can't argue with the author..."

~he took a deep breath~

"I am a stupid, nerdy, rubbish at presenting teenager who has bladder problems."

We all burst out laughing, I LOVE this author

"Well according to the author it's time to go now so Good bye"

"And remember **REVIEW** her story!"

**

* * *

**

**Just to let you know, Jacob isn't a werewolf in this chapter but the Cullen's are vampires**

**This chapter is dedicated to my (i-love-sparkly-vampire)s cat that was recently put to sleep because he was old and ill**

**R.I.P. Louie**

**I hope you liked this chapter**

**!REVIEW!**

**TEAM EDWARD**


	8. Don't Dis the Dead!

**Bella isn't a vampire but she is at the Cullen's house for the weekend :)**

_**Mental Checklist for making twilight mine:**_

**Plan to make a Plan**** – CHECK**

**Prepare to make a Plan**** – CHECK (ish)**

**Make a Plan**** – Taking a break to write this story for all the oh so wonderful readers**

* * *

**Don't Dis the Dead**

We were all sitting in the living room waiting for Emmett's _'BIG' _news.

He walked in dressed like ... well I wasn't quite sure whether he was a gangster or a mermaid but ... that's Emmett for you.

He looked at us and said...

"I'm learning to rap ... DARN! ... I mean ... I'm learning to rap and ... your ... sap ... lap ... map ... wearing a cap! FO Shizzle"

We all started laughing and Emmett went to his room to sulk ... he wasn't seen for 2 weeks

_**2 weeks later**_

I was staying at the Cullen's house again ... and Emmett had something to show us ... I hope it wasn't another magic show last time not only did he steal the _**Mona Lisa**_ for his act, he cut it in half, made it disappear and 1 year later it still hasn't been found.

Emmett looked at us very seriously

"I'm going to show you me rapping ... again"

I started to laugh "Emmett is such a stupid vampire"

He looked Insulted ... I think ... he might just need to pee ... wait ... vampires don't pee ... he's insulted.

"Don't Dis the Dead

Just go to bed

I don't like Fred

And you don't like Red

*[awful beat boxing]*

You're so silly

I hate Billy...

... Black...

*[MORE awful beat boxing]*

That's the end of my rhyme

Oh My God look at the time

I haven't committed crime

Or have I...

MOT! "

_**MOT is pronounced mo**_

"That was quite good but ... what does MOT mean?" I asked

Edward smiled "Emmett learnt some French ..."

"... And what does MOT mean?

"It means word in French ... you know like WORD ... RESPECT ... etc."

"OK..."

I flicked on the telly

'_BREAKING NEWS! After a year of searching the Mona Lisa has finally been found, however ... it has been cut in half ... whoever did this is in a lot of trouble."_

"Emmett you're in so much trouble"

We all looked to where Emmett WAS sitting ... but he wasn't there anymore ... there was a note.

_Dear Family,_

_On my way to airport to catch plane to Hawaii ... see you soon_

_Love Emmett x _

I smiled...

Typical, Typical, Emmett.


	9. Racquet:The Musical

Note from i-love-sparkly-vampires

as i have said before sorrrry for the delay ut things have been very busy lately :) hope you don't mind

virtual muffins for anybody who reviewed ! :D

* * *

Racquet: The Musical

Starring: Jasper

By SuperrHyperWhilstCrazzed

"Em, what have we got next?"

"Basketball!"

"Basketball? Ah!!!!!" I screamed, "Gotta find my skirt!" I panicked dashing away from a confused Emmett.

"_Man! I feel like a woman!"_

"Jasmine? I've never heard of you." A girl, Stacey, I think, told me as she got changed for PE.

"Ur, I... just moved here.... today...."

"You look kind of manly."

"Manly! If I where a man could I sing this?

_If I were a boy even just for a day  
I'd roll out of bed in the morning  
And throw on what I wanted  
And go drink beer with the guys_

"Um, I guess... not... dude, I mean girl... whatever _you _are." She shivered, walking away.

"Jazz!" A high-pitch, angry voice screeched in my ear.

"Ali."

"What are you doing here?" She hissed.

"I don't want to play basketball with Emmett!"

"Good point. Come on we've got badminton."

"Whoopee!"

"Jasper, care to explain why your dressed like a girl?" Bella and Rose interrogated me.

"Emmett + Basket ball." They nodded, facing the teacher.

"Grab a racquet and shuttle!" She shouted, "Warm up."

I walked to the bag picking up the first racquet I could. A short handled one with blue on it. Beautiful.

"Hey!" Jade, from science, shouted. "I need a short handled one!"

"Well, so do I." I growled, following Ali away to an empty space.

"Jasmine!" Ms. Davies shouted, "Give Jade the racquet whilst your out." My eyes widened. How could they take my one true love? Jade grabbed it fiercely out of my hands.

"No!" I pleaded. "Be careful with my love! Bring it back in one piece!" I sobbed. Alice shot daggers at me. Jade was not carefully with Racqy- it's a French racquet.

"_And I need you now tonight  
And I need you more than ever  
And if you'll only hold me tight  
We'll be holding on forever  
And we'll only be making it right  
Cause we'll never be wrong together  
We can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time  
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark  
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks  
I really need you tonight  
Forever's gonna start tonight  
Forever's gonna start tonight _

_Once upon a time I was falling in love  
but now I'm only falling apart  
There's nothing I can do  
A total eclipse of the heart  
Once upon a time there was light in my life  
But now there's only love in the dark  
Nothing I can say  
A total eclipse of the heart_."

Alice slapped me round the back of my head.

"Ow! What was that for?!" She glared at me. A smile spread across my face. "You're jealous." I smirked.

"No! I'm just mad that you're in love with a freaking racquet!"

"Jealous."

"Here's you racquet, Jasmine." Jade tossed Racqy at me.

"Racqy!" I exclaimed, jumping up and spinning her around.

"_Reunited! And it feels so good!" _I sang.

"_Reunited, I know no more words! _

_La La La La Racqy + Jazz_!"

_**Meanwhile…**_

Alice slumped in the corner, frowning.

"Stupid Jasper, replacing me – Alice Cullen!- with a stupid racquet.

_I wears short skirts, she has a blue handle  
She's a short handled racquet and I'm your wife,  
Dreaming 'bout the day when you wake up and find  
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time._

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you  
Been here all along so why can't you see?  
You belong with me  
You belong with me!

AND NOT A FLIPPING RACQUET, YOU JERK!"

_**Back with Jasper...**_

Oh, how I love the Racqy. Hey, where's Alice? Oh well, Racqy was far better than Alice. I mean, Racqy can protect me! Like now. I swung Racqy round, sending the shuttlecocks back towards _Jade. _

"And through it all,  
She offers me protection,  
A lot of love and affection,  
Whether I'm right or wrong.  
And down the court,  
Wherever it may take me,  
I know that shuttlecocks' won't break me,  
When I come to hit them.  
She won't forsake me  
I'm loving Racqy instead!"

I span round to see Alice sitting in the corner.

"AND NOT A FLIPPING RACQUET, YOU JERK!" She shouted at no one in particular. Crazy vampire.

"Ok, class!" The teacher called. "Pack away!" What? How could I leave Racqy?

Then I realised something. How could I base my entire life around a racquet? I'd be using a long-handled one soon, anyway. I put Racqy in the bag.

"Goodbye Racqy, my heart belongs to Alice. I'm sorry."

"_All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around  
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down  
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out  
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around"_

OMA! Racqy can sing! And a Taylor Swift song! Wow, maybe I might just have to change my mind... No! I love Alice, and no one else! Plus Alice can sing Cheryl Cole. Phwoar!

You don't have to call anymore  
I won't pick up the phone  
This is the last straw  
Don't want to hurt anymore  
And you can tell me that you're sorry  
But I won't believe you baby like I did before  
You're not sorry no more, no more, no

Looking so innocent  
I might believe you if I didn't know  
Could ya loved you all my life  
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold  
And you got your share of secrets  
And I'm tired of being last to know  
And now you're asking me to listen  
Cuz its worked each time before

"Alice!" I shouted getting on my knees.

"_I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control  
Cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'"__You are the one I want__, ooh ooh ooh, honey  
The one that I want __you are the one I want__,  
ooh ooh ooh, honey  
The one that I want __you are the one I want__,  
ooh ooh ooh, honey  
The one I need __the one I need__,  
oh yes indeed __yes indeed__ "__  
__"Yes I'm sure down deep inside!"_

"You better shape up, cause I need a man,  
and my heart is set on you  
You better shape up, you better understand,  
to my heart I must be true  
Nothing left, nothing left for me to do"

"You're the one that I want

"I want another solo!" Racqy shouted.

"_All by my !_

_Don't wanna be,_

_All by my see-"_

"Shut up, Racqy."

"How about this one?

_And IIIIIIIIIIII-eeeeeeee-IIIIIIIIIIIeeeeeeee-IIIIIIIIIII will always-"_

"No."

"Aww."

Then me, Alice, Rose, Bella and Edward and Emmet – I'm not too sure when they arrived- skipped out of the hall.

"_We go together  
Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong  
Remembered forever  
As shoobop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom  
Chang chang changitty chang shoobop  
That's the way it should be, wha oooh, yeah_

We're one of a ki-"

"I'm sorry." Emmett cut us off. "Way too cheesy. Way way too cheesy."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Got ya wig, Jasper." Emmett said, ripping my gorgeous locks of my head, and also popping two water balloons that I had place perfectly to increase the chances of being thought of as a 'girl'. All the girls turned and stared, apart from Stacey who shouted,

"I knew it!" _Really _loud.

"Run!" I screamed. Alice, Bella, Rose and Edward just stood still. They began to sway, and hum. Then they just burst out with it.

"Light up, light up  
As if you have a choice  
Even if you cannot hear my voice  
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder  
And we'll run for our lives  
I can hardly speak I understand  
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes  
Makes it so hard not to cry  
And as we say our long goodbye  
I nearly do

Light-"

"You chose Leona Lewis for my escape song?"

"No. Snow Patrol sang it first. And anyway the songs called Run. It's kind of appropriate."

"Anything else?"

"Well, there might be one song..."

"Sing it. Anything's better than _that_."

"Ok," Edward smirked, "Run along, Jasper, so we can start." He smiled and I began to run again.

"_Run rabbit,_

_Run rabbit!_

_Run!_

_Run!_

_Run!_

_Don't give the _angry mob of girls,

_There fun!_

_Fun!_

_Fun!_

_They'll get by,_

_Without their rabbit pie,_

_So run rabbit,_

_Run rabbit,_

_Run!"_


	10. Songs used in Racquet:The Musical

Songs used in

Racquet: The Musical

**In the order they appeared**

Beyoncé –If I were a boy

Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart

Peaches & Herb – Reunited

Taylor Swift – You Belong With Me

Robbie Williams – Angels

Taylor Swift – Your not sorry

Grease – You are the one that I want

Eric Carmen – All By Myself

Whitney Houston – I will always love you

Grease – We go together...

Snow Patrol – Run

Emily – Run Rabbit Remix

* * *

**New chapter coming very soon :)**

**any details are in the upate I'm about to post 3**

**Remember**: REVIEW ... but not this chapter obviously ... I mean the other chapters


	11. Sorry

HI :-)

This isn't another Chapter …. it is an update ..BUT IT'S IMPORTANT so read it, also there is a gift at the end

so …. if you've been reading this story for a while you may have noticed that it doesn't get updated very often … I'm sorry for that but there are 3 reasons:

**a) my laptop stopped working**

**b) I don't have much time**

**c)most importantly, I had writers block :(**

BUT! At school I got a new idea! I will post part one of the next chapter by the 25th of July …. I promise :)

Until then my little fans you can have a virtual stick man to keep you from going crazy :) His name is Bob :D he likes to wave his hands in the air

\O/

/\

P.S. Have you all seen Eclipse? Its amazing :)


	12. In The Beginning

I Love You Carlisle and Friends is based on a true story and filmed in front of a live studio audience...

AH! Stop pressuring us! It was in our heads... better now? No? What more do you want ?

Really?

Seriously?

**Sigh** OK … we don't own twilight

happy? GOOD! Because I'm not! Maybe a story will cheer me up...

**NOTE: **content in this chapter may offend some people with religious beliefs

**Emmett's P.O.V. - Human**

I yawned, examining the world outside the window.

Where there was freedom, how I wished I was there.

But I wasn't. I was stuck inside this dreaded R.E. Classroom, I watched the clock intently.

_Tik_

_Tok_

_Tik_

_Tok_

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" I shouted slamming my fist on the desk and standing up.

Everybody looked at me. I cleared my thought before stating,

"Jesus deserves more respect I mean he … err … he ... well"

I trailed off looking around at everybody's blank faces,

I mumbled "Testify"

and silently took my seat, miss continued her story about 'creation'

R.E. Was extremely boring. Last year I had Mrs. Lloyd, it was all right then, but now she's on maternity leave and this year I have Mrs Kilkelly. She so annoying, and her lessons practically put you to sleep. you know what, That's quite a good idea, I may have a quick snooze,

no-one will notice... z **z**__**Z**

I sat at my desk drawing plans for a new planet in my favourite white robe, stroking my freshly trimmed grey beard

WAIT! Why do I have a grey beard? I'm not even 20 yet.

A small elf with Edward's popped up and said "technically you're over twen-"

I punched him and he disappeared.

I carried on drawing plans for this new planet.

"DINNERS READY G!" I heard my mom shout from downstairs

"In a minute" I replied

***(10 minutes later)***

I heard my mom coming up the stairs and glanced at the clock

I was in a LOT of trouble now! I quickly hid the plans for my new planet in the draw.

When my mom came in I was 'playing' chess with my cat.

"Your dinners getting cold God."

I acted as if I had forgot apologised and began to make my way out the room

"God..."

"Yea mom?"

"Is that your creating planets for dummies book?"

DARN! I thought I'd hidden everything

"Err yes..." I replied trying to think of an excuse, "I've been revising for a test?" it came out as more of a question, she didn't buy it.

She walked over to my draw and opened it. "What am I supposed to do with you God?"

"I don't know, but my dinners getting cold so I better go n-"

"YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE MISTER! Remember what happened when you invented Uranus"

I remember that...

_thanks for my creating planets for dummies book Aunt Flo, it's a great present! I'm going to practise creating planets right now_

_***(2 hours later)***_

_I've almost finished, now I just need to put the two halves together … As I did so there was a huge explosion and a putrid smelling gas was released. I placed the two halves back down onto the desk … It's a bit like someone's back side to be honest, two circles next to each other and it releases a horrible smell..._

_THAT'S IT! I'll call it Uranus _

_kids will get great jokes from that too!_

_I placed the two halves together, after enduring a few months of explosions and smell the planet was finally dormant … Good Times … Good Times_

I laughed inwardly at the memory

"Well?"

"Nope … can't remember a thing"

"I certainly can! Did you know mount Uranus erupted again the other day?"

"Really? I though Alison had come to town"

"Good theory, but Either way Uranus was a failure,and a reason to never create planets again."

"IT WAS 1 TIME" I said getting frustrated with my mother

"Mars went fine" I said holding up a picture of my favourite planet.

"Isn't that the name of a chocolate bar?"

"Yes it is actually, I'd had one that weekend" mmmm... Mars bar

"I don't want you getting into trouble for copyright" she said with a concerned look on her face

"well I've done it a few times..."

"HOW MANY?"

"only 3 other times"

she slapped her forehead "What were they?"

"Galaxy, Milky way and stars!"

"Stars?"

"You know as in magic stars..."

"Well never do it again"

I sighed … well my new planet could no longer be called Twix, I'll have to think of another name, later that is, I had to eat my dinner

I finished my dinner and made my way towards the spiral staircase

"GOD!" I heard my dads booming voice

"Yes father? Would you like a foot massage?" I said trying to get off the hook

"Well yes, but later. If you think you can get away with this you're wrong!"

"But dad..." I moaned

"No Buts!"

teehee … he said butts, I burst out laughing

"Not that kind of but God" then he mumbled something under the lines of 'immature child'

before proceeding, "me and your mother have come to the agreement that as a punishment you're never allowed to shower again"

"WHAT? That's out of order I'm going to live at Peachy's house."

"Who's Peachy?"

"He's my new best friend I made, he's going to start school too!"

"Is this another one of your imaginary friends?"

"No, Honestly"

I then got my plans from upstairs (hid them in my pocket) and went off to see peachy...

I knocked at the door and waited for someone to answer.

There was a lot of shouting coming from inside the house, I know I shouldn't but I began eavesdropping.

_'Peachy, get the door, I think it's the kid that thinks he's your friend.'_

_'WHO?' I believe it was Peachy that responded _

_'That dimwitted Uranus creator!'_

_'Oh he doesn't just think, I actually am his friend'_

_'Well then get the door!'_

_'I CAN'T!'_

_'Why?'_

_'I can't find the keys!'_

_'There by th-'_

_'JANE! I've dropped my phone down the toilet!' I think that was his dad_

_'I'll be there in a minute Al, help Apricot do his homework'_

_'MOM! God's at the door, where are the keys'_

_'They're by the microwave hone- APPLE! Put that down'_

Jane, Al, Apricot, Peachy and Apple … Strange family.

I waited patiently as Peachy opened the door

"Hey Peachy." I said smiling

"Hi G" he said returning a smile, smoothing down his golden hair.

"Guess what?"

"What now? Has the school suddenly exploded?"

"No silly, I'm creating a new planet"

"It's not going to turn out like Uranus is it?"

"IT WAS 1 TIME! Why does everyone remind me of that?"

Peachy was in a world of his own singing 1 time by that girl Justine.

"PEACHY!"

"What now?"

"Well, I don't know what to call the planet, I was going to call it Twix, but my mum said

'I don't want you getting into trouble for copyright' " I said in a mimicking soprano tone

"Well what are you gonna call it then God?"

"Well, that's partly why I came to you..."

"Oh, OK then … What about Haribo, technically that's not a chocolate bar"

"No, I want something original, maybe it will come to me when I see the finished product" I said kicking an old coke can.

"Well then sorry, I can't help you"

"NO PEACHY! DON'T GO! You can help think of names of things to go on the planet"

"Things on the planet?"

"You know, like living things, like us … but not as powerful of course"

Peachy just burst out laughing "Tha- That- That- That's Pa – Pa- Path- Pathetic"

"No it's not, all my other planets are so boring, this one will have problems and solutions on it"

"like what?"

"Tiny versions of our us called … h_u_m_a_n_s … I LIKE IT … Humans!"

"Humans? Really?"

"Yes Really!"

"Why?"

"**H **exagons

**U **nder

**M **irrors

**A **re

**N **ever

**S **pecial"

"Dude, that makes no sense!"

"Dude," I said repeating him "just because you're jealous of my poetry"

"whatever, is there anything else going on your planet?"

"since they're replicas of us, there's obviously going to be necessities such as food and water"

"No offence, but your planet still sounds boring, where's the action?"

"I'm getting to that part! Well … when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much they-"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I didn't mean that kind of action! I meant as in fighting"

"Shouldn't it be peaceful, like our planet?"

"No … well … yes … but use it as an experiment."

"Instead why don't I just put 'creatures' who are as powerful as us on the planet."

"What do you mean?" Peachy responded confused.

"Well, they are identical to us (power/skills wise) in every way, but smaller, and they have to kill the humans to survive, by drinking the liquid-y thing inside them."

I sounded a bit medieval to be honest

"Bit medieval though isn't it God."

"I was just thinking that actually, great minds think alike!"

"Well what are you going to call them?" Peachy questioned

"hmm … VAMPIRES!"

"and what does that stand for exactly...?"

"nothing in particular, it just sounds cool"

"what about...

**V** ets

**A** are

**M** ainly

**P **ets

**I **n

**R **ectangle

**E **lephants "

"No Peachy, some people just don't have _**the power**_"

"Why did you say the power in a high pitched voice?"

"because that's how they say it in the song"

"What song?"

"_I've got the power!"_

"Never heard of it"

"Really?"

"yes"

"REALLY?"

YES.

"REALLY REALLY?"

"YES!"

"Wow … you have issues"

"You know what god!"

"What?"

"I'M FED UP OF YOU PUTTING ME DOWN ALL THE TIME!"

"I don't put yo-"

"IT'S OVER BETWEEN US, IT WASN'T WORKING ANYWAY!"

And with that, Peachy stormed off

I called after him "We were never together" because this old lady was staring at me strangely.

I sulked my way home in the rain, I'd just lost my only _REAL_ best friend, I wanted to take a shower, that would always get rid of my stress, but then I remembered my punishment

DARN THOSE PARENTS! So cunning, I got home, sat down and opened my laptop... I typed in my favourite website

.net

When it hit me, I had read all of the stories on this website …. I would have to put some amazing authors on this planet, some to write about wizards and others vampires …

I quite like the name Joanne, shortened to just a J

and Stephenie

What about Emily

Or Chelsea

_Emily_

_Chelsea_

_Emily_

_Chelsea_

I know they can co-write a story about me! I'll put the idea into their head.

**~*~ 2 years later ~*~**

I absolutely stunk! I would never get used to this smell, it's worse than Uranus!

**~*~ 1 year later ~*~**

My dad locked me in my room because I smell so bad, he's the one who banned me from having showers though, so it's his fault

**~*~ 2 years later ~*~**

I was pretty much used to the stench now, As time went by I learnt that it's best to change your clothes daily and keep a large supply of deodorant

Well, I guess that means I can finally create that planet, I guess I need something to call it too...

**So Guys .. What did you think?**

**When talking about Uranus, I say Alison … she is my friend. Who farts. A LOT.**

**Anyway The shower thing was Emily's Idea … It's kinda random but it filled in a gap, and I liked that idea...**

**Also … In case you didn't work it out, when I'm talking about authors**

**J = J.**

**Stephenie = Stephenie Meyer**

**Emily & Chelsea = Us … the people who write I love you Carlisle and friends**

Remember to **REVIEW!**

See you soon

from

i-love-sparkly-vampires


	13. Emmett Sees Toy Story 3

**Emmett Sees Toy Story 3**

**SPOILER ALERT**

"Eddie?" Knock, knock. No answer.

"Eddie?" Knock, knock. No answer.

"Eddie?" Knock, Knock.

"WHAT?"

"Eddie!" I squealed happily, opening his bedroom door. It was so... pretty. I giggled. He's such a girl!

"I didn't say you could come in," he groaned, propping his self up by his elbow on his bed.

"Oh, sorry. Where you sleeping?"

"Of course not! I'm a flipping vampire!" he shouted, sounding annoyed.

"No need to get mean," I said, whipping a fake tear away. "Up!" I commanded, signalling with my hand.

"What?"

"Get up, sleepy!"

"For the last time I wasn't sleeping! And why do I have to get up?"

"'Cause we're going to the cinema!" I said happily, jumping up and down and clapping, much like Alice.

"To see what? I hope it's not Eclipse again. I mean, that movie was _boring_. I don't understand why the girls like it so much! I'm not that gay in real life, am I?"

"Of _course _you're not," I lied, swaying backwards and forwards awkwardly. "We're seeing Toy Story..." I paused dramatically - for effect, you know – before whispering, "... _three._"

"Why?" he asked, lying down again.

"Because," I said, pulling him off the bed so he landed awkwardly on the floor, "it's _AMAZING_! I mean, come on, toys who talk and go and adventures, who doesn't love that?"

"Me." I screamed. How could he _not _love Toy Story? How was it possible?

"But, Eddie! Andy's going to _college_! I have to know what happens! And I need my _favourite _brother with me!"

"I thought I was your favourite brother!" Jasper shouted from somewhere downstairs. Oops.

"Not now, Jazz! I'm trying to convince Edward to come see Toy Story with us! Apparently he hates it!"

"How can you hate Toy Story?"

"I don't know, Jazz. I don't know. You," I said, turning back to Edward, "are coming with me. Do you have your 3D glasses from when we saw Shrek?"

"Yes... I can't believe you cried at that!"

"It was _depressing_! Shrek was disappearing and I wasn't sure if Fiona would love him yet, and- and... you got me started up again!"

"Wait, how did you cry?"

"I'm _special_."

"You got that right," he scoffed. "What time is the film?"

"In about... 20 minutes," I said checking my watch. "So get a move on!"

)O(

"Ooh, this is so exciting!" I said, giggling like a little girl. I held my Toy Story replica toys close to my chest. I had all of them – excluding Lots-o'-Huggin' bear (I didn't know what he was like yet) – and they where my most prized possessions. I couldn't wait for Wave 3 to come out. I hope they make Slinky Dog and Hamm. I like Hamm, he's cool. Evil Dr. Pork Chop!

"Oh for Pete's sake!" Edward said loudly. I gasped.

"Not Stinky Pete, Eddie! Never Stinky Pete!"

"Who?" he asked, confused.

"Stinky Pete, Edward! You know, from Toy Story 2? You know, The Prospector? Gets stuck with a girl called Amy who draws on her toys? Next to a Barbie at the airport? Nothing? You sicken me."

"Whatever. As I was saying, why can't you be normal and _not _play with dolls?" I quicky tried to cover my toys' ears – which was difficult, especially when it came to Rex (where do dinosaurs keep their ears?), and I don't have enough fingers. I wonder what it would be like if I had _more _fingers? I wonder...

_La La La... I feel like an octopus! I can touch you! And you! And you too! Well this is... fun?_

"Edward!" I scolded. "How could you! They are not dolls and, as the two films prior to the ones we are about to watch prove, they have feelings!"

"Whatever," he repeated, sinking into his chair. I glared at him and went back to watching the trailers.

Oh, a new Narnia film! How exciting!

A movie starring owls? Owls can't talk! I will _not _be watching that.

Why can't they show a trailer for _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One _and _Part Two _preferably? I cannot wait to see them! I've been waiting ages. I remember when I first read the book and this guy looked at me and said 'what are you reading?' so I said 'it's about this boy wizard-' but he cut me off and said a few unrepeatable words about me being immature and wizard books where for _babies_. I guess the release of this film will show him. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I remind him of that. Stupid Edward...

I practically jumped for joy when the lights dimmed.

"Finally!" my toys shouted. Well, I shouted but you get the point.

)O(

"Why is he a sausage?" Edward asked, leaning over to me.

"For God's sake Edward! Pay attention, he is a _cucumber_!"

"No he's not, look he's clearly a sausage."

"No, when he got torn apart by a pigeon he looked over the _garden _and saw a vegetable patch growing _cucumbers_! Do sausages grow on cucumber plants? Do they?"

"No," he said slowly, looking down.

"Where do sausages come from?"

"Pigs."

"Good boy!" I said patting his head lightly. "Now be quiet and watch the movie."

~*~_ten seconds later_~*~

"Oh my God. Oh my God. OH MY GOD! Oh thank God!" I sat 'silently' watching the toys try and escape from Sunnyside, a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil bear who smells like strawberries – in the words of _Baron Von Shush_. Big Baby was quite terrifying when he wanted to be. But thankfully the toys used their _SUPER SPEED _and managed to climb under a bucket without anyone noticing. Yay!

)O(

"That son of a-"

"Language."

"Sorry, Ed. But how _dare _he?" I half-shouted, rather angry at _Lotso_ –I will not be buying his toy, I tell you that, although he does smell of strawberries. I like strawberries. "They trusted him to press that stop button but _noo-_" I stopped my eyes once again glued to the screen. The toys fell. "NO!" I screamed, half-standing. "Sorry," I whispered, sitting back down.

The toys held each other's hands and I felt myself welling up – how did I manage it? When Woody closed his eyes and braced himself for a fiery end, the tears fell down my face. I swear, they where rivers or something. I put my hand over my eyes and peaked through a small gap.

Praise the claw! Praise the Little Green Aliens! Praise 'em. I said, _praise 'em_! Now.

At least Lotso got what he deserved, the ba-

"Language." Oh yeah, he can read minds.

"Yes, I can." Would he just shut up?

"Could you _plea_-?"

"No."

"Geez, Edward! I'm trying to watch the movie. Oh look there back at Andy's, thanks a lot. You never know one of the STAs' might have got eaten on the way back and I missed it!"

"What the heck is an STA?"

"A Squeeze Toy Alien, dumbass," I sighed. He really is stupid. It's days like these when I wonder why Bella chose him and _not _Jacob, at least _that _boy has an eight. A very lovely eight pack if you ask me.

"What are you doing, Woody?" I muttered to myself. "Get in the 'College' box, Andy will be in at any moment. Quickly! Look there he is! Hey, where'd Woody go? There's no way he could get over there _that _quickly." I sat in confusion as Andy asked if he should donate the toys. He couldn't! They couldn't go back to Sunnyside. Pixar wasn't that cruel, were they?

He pulled up outside the yellow house and I saw Bonnie. I like Bonnie, and Dolly, and Buttercup – who's a boy, surprisingly – and I like Mr. Pricklepants, and Totoro, and Peas-in-a-Pod, and Trixie (especially Trixie) and Chuckles, poor Chuckles. Was he donating them here? That would be a nice place. But then Woody would be lonely.

"NO!" I shouted standing up, my toys flying off my lap. Woody? Tears began to flow once more. I picked them all up, sitting down again after a stern look from the Cinema Lady.

"So long, Partner..." By this point I was well and truly crying. Edward patted me on the shoulder and whispered 'There, there.'

"Y- You d-don't mean th-that?" I sobbed.

"Of course not, it's just what one says where comforting."

"B-but why did Woody do that?" I cried. "WHY?"

"I don't know, and I'm the smart one."

"But is this the end of the franchise? Will I have to sell these toys? Will I have to give them to a little girl?"

"No, Em. They'll do."

"Will there be a Toy Story 4?"

"Maybe?"

"But what about Andy?" I asked, wiping away some more tears.

"He's gone to college."

"But him an-and Woody are meant to be!"

"Er, Em? He's a _toy_ and Andy's a _human_."

"I'm not stupid."

"Of _course _you're not."

"But I will go see Pixar."

"What?"

~*~_13 years later~*~_

"Move out of the way children, I've been waiting 13 years to see this film."

"Is that-?"

"I think it is."

"Wow, it's really him!"

"Yes, it's me. Move aside, please."

"Oh my God. I'm hyperventilating. I'm hyperventilating!"

"Let us go in, children. Do you have your 3D glasses? Good. Come on, now, no dilly-dallying."

"I am _not _a child!" Emily shouted, stomping her foot. "Celebrities now-a-days," she muttered.

"He's amazing!" Grace sighed, putting her hand to her face.

"Yeah, but you also said that about Robert Pattison but, where is he now?" Chelsea asked, side-fiving Emily. The three, and the annoying celebrities, walked into the cinema, sitting in the seats, at the back because the back is a symbol of POWER!

"How stupid is that? An advert for the film we're about to see."

'_They had the perfect life with Andy, and then Bonnie. But all that is about to change, again, in Toy Story 4_. _Starring Tom Hanks, Tom Allen and Joan Cusack. Story by Lee Unkrich, John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Mmeett Luclen. Directed by Mmeett Luclen.' _The celebrity giggled at his name.

"Oh look, an advert for Twilight 79. They really dragged that last book on, didn't they?"

"I know! I can't believe people are still going to see it, even Robert Pattison, Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart got bored. Now they've just replace them with Ella Pond, Edmund Luclen and Jacob White. It's ridiculous," Chelsea ranted.

"Exactly my point. Who would have an actor called Jacob playing someone called Jacob?" Emily asked. "Why do you still go and see those films Grace?"

"They're _amazing_."

"_Sure they are_. Now hush up, it's starting," she whispered. She glanced sideways at Mmeett Luclen, who at the moment was clutching all 6 Waves of Toy Story replica toys. Next to him was Edmund Luclen, patting his shoulder and whispering soothing things, like 'there, there,' and 'it's OK, remember you know what happens,' and 'For Pete's – sorry – for God's sake! It has a happy ending!'

Some things never change.

* * *

**Note: **Mmeett Luclen = Emmett Cullen, Edmund Luclen = Edward Cullen, Ella Pond = Bella Swan, Jacob White=Jacob Black.

This Chapter was written by Emily ... it was a one off, not planned, totally random but in my (Chelsea's) opinion AWSOME!

In case you didn't know the small green aliens who are obsessed with the claw and the uni-mind are actually called LGM or Little Green Men ... I learnt this in a short and not well known Buzz Lightyear film Pixar Made ... I truly am and have always been a bit of a toy story nerd

(Love) from Chelsea

A.k.a. i-love-sparkly-vampires


	14. Emmett Grows An Afro

**Emmett grows an afro**

**Edwards point of view**

Can Emmett succeed in his plan to grow an afro? well, if you want to know don't just stand (or sit) there reading this introducrion and pointing out **I don't own twilight**, I already know (sadly), but just you wait, one day you will take it all back WHEN I OWN TWILIGHT! (who am i kidding? that would never happen) ... but until then, if you want to know the answer to the question, read the story and find out for yourself...

* * *

"Hey Emmett!" I walked over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He was staring intently into the mirror in his and Rosalie's bathroom. I could hear his brain working, . Well of course you can, stupid, you read minds! Then i realised something, since when did Emmett think about something other than Carlisle and Jasper, I'd rather not go into details, if you know what i mean... I officially really hated my vivid imagination. I sighed, I really should stop thinking to myself. I turned my attention back to Emmetts brain. All I could here him thinking was 'Come on! Please!'

"Whatcha doing Em?"

He turned to me, smiling. I began to regret ever walking into this room.

"I'm growing an afro." Jasper began to laugh down stairs.

"And how do you plan on doing that?" I asked, trying to hold in the growing laugh. How stupid can he get? Vampire's can't grow hair! Idiot.

"Well, I've worked out that it's bound to grow eventually if I carry on staring at it. And my intense stares will scare the hair out off my head in curly patterns as the flee for there lives quickly, resulting in a perfect afro." I couldn't hold it any longer. I burst out into hysterically fits of laughter, clutching my sides on the bathroom floor. "What?"

"Where's Emmett?" Rosalie asked as she, Alice and Esme returned from there hunting trip. "He's not still gay is he? It's been so boring around here whilst he's doodling his name and Jasper or Carlisle's after it in his notebook. He's filled two this week. I swear if I see any thing else saying 'Em + Carli forever' or 'Jazzy and Em meant to be'" Jasper gagged, "ever again I'll kill somebody! Do you want to hear the worst one?" Me and Alice nodded eagerly whilst Jasper sat still gripping the arms of the chair with a petrified face. "Jazzy, Carli and Em; is gay marriage of three people legal? I hope so because it would be great! Then loads of love hearts you know, getting' it on."

"Rosie! Have you seen my journal?" Emmett's voice game from down the stairs.

"Say no," I whispered, holding a fluffy pink book in my arms.

"NO!"

"Are you sure?" He asked appearing at the top of the stairs. "Oh there it is, thank you Ed." I burst out laughing, as did my family, because on top of Emmett's head, was a large, brown afro.

"What?" he asked, offended.

"Th- That THING!" Alice squealed.

"What? My afro? So you like it?"

"OF COURSE NOT, YOU GAY TWIT!" Rosalie screamed. "HOW SMALL IS YOUR BRAIN!"

"It's not that small, Rosie. I had some of my doctor friends do a scan of it for me, want to see the pictures?"

"NO!"

My laughter faded when I realised Emmett's plan had ... worked?

"Oh, I should return this." He frowned pulling on the afro. Well that explained a lot, but wait! Nothing happened. "IT'S REAL!" He shouted, bouncing around like Alice in a shoe shop.

"No," it can't be! right? I said, pulling at it instead. It came off in my hands. "Ew," I gagged. "Mr. Wondeorium's Afro and Moustache Imporium." I read off the label. "What the-?"

"I don't know, Edward, I don't know. DO YA WANNA-?" Emmett shouted.

"Do I want to what?" I said as if speaking sternly to a 4 year old

"DO YA WANNA- DO YA- DO YA WANNA SEE MY MOUSTACHES?"

"NO!" I said trying to push him out the door.

"You sure, I've got a red one, and a blue one, and a green one, and an orange one and a rainbow one, and one with Carli and Jazzy's faces, and a purple one-"

* * *

**Emily wrote this chapter ages ago but I forgot to upload it, so here it is :) **

**it's just a short chapter but I hope it satisfied the need to read our amazing story... **

**In the beginning part II ((he he he BOOM)) will be uploaded next as Emily is about to start writing it (hopefully) **

**love from Chelsea **


	15. Sorry again

**Hi :)**

**SORRRYYYYY **from the bottom of my heart about all these notes and hardly any chapters

I owe you lovely readers (even though there are only like 4 of you) an apology. Is that how you spell apology? Word isn't correcting me so moving on.

I never really update my story (such a neglected account:' [ ) anyway, We've wrote all the chapters we had planned really... We MIGHT (keyword being MIGHT) do a Twilight/Harry Potter one off cross-over. Anyway...

The main point of this is to say sorry and does this story confuse you? It confuses me with the ever-changing viewpoints and the human/non-human chapters. Some chapters don't even make sense to me. So, for the few of you that read this please, please, PLEASE vote in the poll I am about to post :)

THANKYOU

p.s. HOPEFULLY a new chapter coming soon.


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